The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Sunday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? A pretty young woman connected to the number 35 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. On Thursday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. In a parallel universe you were born as Tiger Woods. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.
The Slug
July 26th
You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
A man connected with the number 93 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Saturday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. A black car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Saturday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.
Sunday, March 25, 2018
Tuesday, March 20, 2018
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th March 2018
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Sunday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Sunday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.
The Slug July 26th
Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement?
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 90, the color black and someone who has a connection to Dr. Seuss will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Sunday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Sunday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.
The Slug July 26th
Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement?
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 90, the color black and someone who has a connection to Dr. Seuss will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.
Sunday, March 11, 2018
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th March 2018
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Sunday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Sunday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A pretty young woman connected to the number 86 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.
The Slug July 26th
Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Pelé will shower you with unusual gifts on Thursday. This will only happen though if you are wearing blue Sometimes it is good to try something new. Monday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Sunday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Sunday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A pretty young woman connected to the number 86 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.
The Slug July 26th
Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Pelé will shower you with unusual gifts on Thursday. This will only happen though if you are wearing blue Sometimes it is good to try something new. Monday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.
Sunday, March 4, 2018
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th March 2018
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Thursday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. The color green will be very important to you this week. Especially on Wednesday, and when connected to the number 99, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Friday.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. If you make an appointment on Tuesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. The number 50 will have special significance on Wednesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.
The Slug July 26th
Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Sunday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Friday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 3 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. A man connected with the number 70 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Thursday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. The color green will be very important to you this week. Especially on Wednesday, and when connected to the number 99, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Friday.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. If you make an appointment on Tuesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. The number 50 will have special significance on Wednesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.
The Slug July 26th
Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Sunday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Friday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 3 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. A man connected with the number 70 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.
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