Sunday, May 12, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th May 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Saturday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. On Tuesday, the number 7 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 98 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

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