Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd February 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 73, the color black and someone who has a connection to Jimmy Conners will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Friday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Should you wear white on Wednesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Friday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th
You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Tuesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. When you and a Limpet get together on Thursday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.