Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th February 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Tiger Woods will shower you with unusual gifts on Friday. This will only happen though if you are wearing green Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Wednesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th
Hanging out with a Scallop on Thursday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Wednesday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Hold a dinner party on Thursday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.