Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th February 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Friday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you see anybody this week who looks like Frank Lloyd Wright, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th
Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Saturday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.