Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. A pretty young woman connected to the number 56 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 20 feet, but no more than a mile. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If you wear too much make-up on Sunday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Sunday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.
The Slug July 26th
It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Eddie Murphy in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Michelle Bachman, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Tuesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.
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