Sunday, January 2, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd January 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Monday. It will impress a secret admirer. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Hold a dinner party on Monday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.


The Slug July 26th

Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A man connected with the number 36 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like William F. Buckley, Jr., then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Beethoven driving a green car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.