Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Should you wear blue on Tuesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. If you make an appointment on Monday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.
The Slug July 26th
There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. You have dandruff, do something about it! Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Abraham Lincoln in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Sunday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.
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