You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Sunday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you see anybody this week who looks like Gloria Steinem, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Monday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.
The Slug July 26th
The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Charles Yeager. Does this matter? Only time will tell. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Sunday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.
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