A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Monday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. On Monday, the color green, the number 22 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.
The Slug July 26th
You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Michael J. Fox driving a green car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. On Monday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 92, the color blue and someone who has a connection to Spider Man will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. On Sunday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Phil Donahue, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.
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