If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Dick Van Dyke driving a pink car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Marilyn Vos Savant will shower you with unusual gifts on Tuesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing blue Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Saturday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you make an appointment on Tuesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Thursday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.
The Slug July 26th
There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 23, the color blue and someone who has a connection to Lewis Carrol will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Friday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. A man connected with the number 4 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 40 feet, but no more than a mile. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.
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