This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. On Wednesday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Friday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Avoid the number 43 if possible on Wednesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug July 26th
If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! You have dandruff, do something about it! A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A man connected with the number 46 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Frank Lloyd Wright. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Monday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you wear too much make-up on Saturday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Wednesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The number 24 will have special significance on Monday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.
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