One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Wednesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Thursday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug July 26th
Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Alicia Silverstone, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
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