Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. The number 55 will have special significance on Saturday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Hook up with an Octopus on Thursday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Monday night get-together.
The Slug July 26th
Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. On Friday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Charles Everett Koop driving a blue car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Thursday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.
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