Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! If you see anybody this week who looks like Susan B. Anthony, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The number 52 will have special significance on Friday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Thursday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A pretty young woman connected to the number 42 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Wednesday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.
The Slug July 26th
Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.
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