If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Columbus and Tiger Woods.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? If you wear too much make-up on Wednesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Thursday.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Friday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Something about the number 45 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Thursday will keep your mind occupied. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Monday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.
The Slug July 26th
You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. You have dandruff, do something about it! Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Thursday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.
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