When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The number 71 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
On Wednesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You are not Mahatma Gandhi, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.
The Slug July 26th
Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Monday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Hold a dinner party on Sunday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A pretty young woman connected to the number 68 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Saturday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Friday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. If you make an appointment on Saturday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.
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