Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Michele Pfeiffer. Does this matter? Only time will tell. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Fred Astaire and Tiger Woods.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Tuesday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Jimmy Conners, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.
The Slug July 26th
You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Something about the number 87 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Friday will keep your mind occupied. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. On Saturday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. When you and a Limpet get together on Monday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A orange car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Wednesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.
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