You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Hold a dinner party on Monday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Get out and enjoy life on Sunday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Tuesday night get-together.
The Slug July 26th
With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. The number 5 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Saturday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Saturday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Eddie Murphy at all.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Monday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Dan Rather driving a pink car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Thursday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.
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