Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 68 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). A man connected with the number 58 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Neil Armstrong. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Wednesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Sunday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. You are not Harry Houdini, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Henry A. Kissinger, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.
The Slug July 26th
Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Take extra special care on Sunday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The number 75 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Why will the color green be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Wednesday. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.
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