Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Wednesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The number 66 will be a powerful omen for you this Friday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug July 26th
Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.
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