Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Monday.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Sunday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Something involving the color blue will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Wednesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Saturday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.
The Slug July 26th
You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Thursday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. A man connected with the number 74 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. On Thursday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Sunday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing green. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Wednesday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.
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