The number 88 will be a powerful omen for you this Sunday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
In a parallel universe you were born as Cleopatra. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. On Sunday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Mae West and Tiger Woods.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Monday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you see anybody this week who looks like Miley Cyrus, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Thursday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. On Tuesday, the color red, the number 91 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.
The Slug July 26th
In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Why will the color orange be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Tuesday. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Avoid the number 18 if possible on Friday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Friday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Monday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.
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