Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th June 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like George Carlin. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 21 feet, but no more than a mile. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Saturday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Sunday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th

Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 90, the color red and someone who has a connection to Susan B. Anthony will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd June 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Thursday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Elvis Presley and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you wear too much make-up on Saturday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. On Monday night you will dream of being Michael Landon. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th

Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Why will the color white be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Friday. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Wednesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? On Sunday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Oprah Winfrey a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th June 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Newt Gingrich and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Carol Burnett. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 3 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th June 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Monday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Carrie Fisher in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th

Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Look yourself in the mirror on Friday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 65. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd June 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? On Saturday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. You will bump into a Mussel on Monday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Hold a dinner party on Sunday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Tuesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th

There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? On Thursday, the number 93 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you make an appointment on Monday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.