Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.
The Slug July 26th
Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Tuesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. On Friday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Sunday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.
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