Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Colin L. Powell, Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color white. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Monday. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Friday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Wednesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 43. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A pretty young woman connected to the number 15 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th

On Sunday, the number 39 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like John Lennon then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 7 feet, but no more than a mile. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th December 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Should you wear green on Friday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Saturday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Tuesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. You are not Clint Eastwood, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Sunday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th

One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. On Thursday, the number 50 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. The number 9 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A purple car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Wednesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

On Monday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 82, the color white and someone who has a connection to John Katz will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Try relaxing on Thursday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th December 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th

Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Tuesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. On Friday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Sunday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.