Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Thursday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Hook up with an Octopus on Wednesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Tuesday night get-together.
The Slug July 26th
You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Thursday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Augustus Caesar. Does this matter? Only time will tell. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.
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