There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 70 feet, but no more than a mile. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Sunday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you make an appointment on Wednesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. The number 1 will have special significance on Friday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! On Wednesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.
The Slug July 26th
Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Something about the number 18 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Wednesday will keep your mind occupied. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 45, the color black and someone who has a connection to Chevy Chase will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
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