Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th December

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. You will bump into a Mussel on Friday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Laughter will fill the air this week. But it will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug
July 26th

This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 84 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must *never* buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd December

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Avoid roller-coasters at *all* costs on Friday.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

If you wear too much make-up on Thursday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug
July 26th

Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. You have dandruff, do something about it! If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Thursday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Thursday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 27. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Thursday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th December

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Laughter will fill the air this week. But it will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. You know a clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Hook up with an octopus on Tuesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Thursday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug
July 26th

You have dandruff, do something about it! You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Thursday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Tuesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th December

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Avoid the number 30 if possible on Monday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Laughter will fill the air this week. But it will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. If you wear too much make-up on Tuesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Remember, your lips are sealed.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Tell someone that they look great...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug
July 26th

It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. The number 77 will have special significance on Friday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.