December 2nd - February 19th
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Avoid roller-coasters at *all* costs on Friday.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
If you wear too much make-up on Thursday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug
July 26th
Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. You have dandruff, do something about it! If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Thursday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Thursday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 27. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Thursday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.
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