Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th December

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. You will bump into a Mussel on Friday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Laughter will fill the air this week. But it will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug
July 26th

This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 84 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must *never* buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.