December 2nd - February 19th
Avoid the number 30 if possible on Monday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
Laughter will fill the air this week. But it will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. If you wear too much make-up on Tuesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Remember, your lips are sealed.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Tell someone that they look great...even if they are pig ugly.
The Slug
July 26th
It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. The number 77 will have special significance on Friday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.
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