Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th December

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Laughter will fill the air this week. But it will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. You know a clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Hook up with an octopus on Tuesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Thursday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug
July 26th

You have dandruff, do something about it! You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Thursday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Tuesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.