Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th December 2009

The Barnacle

December 2nd - February 19th

This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail

February 20th - March 9th

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Monday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet

March 10th - May 1st

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? You will bump into a Mussel on Monday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam

May 2nd - June 2nd

Something involving the color pink will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Wednesday.

The Squid

June 3rd - July 25th

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Thursday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug

July 26th

Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you.

The Oyster

July 27th - August 19th

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop

August 20th - October 1st

Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 54 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Monday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus

October 1st - October 29th

Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. When you and a Limpet get together on Monday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel

October 30th - December 1st

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st December 2009

The Barnacle

December 2nd - February 19th

Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail

February 20th - March 9th

There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Monday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet

March 10th - May 1st

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Charles Everett Koop. Does this matter? Only time will tell. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam

May 2nd - June 2nd

You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). You are not Frank Lloyd Wright, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid

June 3rd - July 25th

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Tuesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug

July 26th

This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement?

The Oyster

July 27th - August 19th

Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Get the guys or girls around your place on Thursday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop

August 20th - October 1st

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Julia Child. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Tuesday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus

October 1st - October 29th

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Something about the number 36 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Monday will keep your mind occupied. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel

October 30th - December 1st

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th December 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Friday this week. A pretty young woman connected to the number 52 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Sunday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Saturday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Tuesday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug
July 26th

Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Get the guys or girls around your place on Tuesday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Thursday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing will happen to you though. In a parallel universe you were born as Dan Rather. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th December 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color black. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Monday. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. You may want to keep a fellow clam close to your side on Sunday.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Sometimes it is good to try something new. Wednesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Friday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

The color purple will be very important to you this week. Especially on Saturday, and when connected to the number 92, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. You know a squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of clam-support.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Something involving the color black will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug
July 26th

In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Saturday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Thursday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. When you and a Limpet get together on Monday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Hold a dinner party on Tuesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Sunday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th November 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Avoid roller-coasters at *all* costs on Tuesday.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Sometimes it is good to try something new. Saturday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Remember, your lips are sealed.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug
July 26th

Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Sunday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. A man connected with the number 16 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Friday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Wednesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Thursday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd November 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Avoid roller-coasters at *all* costs on Sunday.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Saturday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. You might know of a slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug
July 26th

You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Invite a squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th November 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Beware an advance from a limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Monday night get-together.

The Slug
July 26th

Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. Hanging out with a Scallop on Saturday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

A man connected with the number 66 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Tuesday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. A pretty young woman connected to the number 70 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th November 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Thursday this week. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Wednesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Wednesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Sunday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 69 feet, but no more than a mile. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. You will bump into a Mussel on Wednesday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug
July 26th

You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color red. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Thursday. Get the guys or girls around your place on Monday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. When you and a Limpet get together on Friday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd November 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. On Wednesday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Avoid the number 17 if possible on Friday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". If you wear too much make-up on Thursday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Thursday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug
July 26th

There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Get the guys or girls around your place on Friday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

A man connected with the number 42 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Sunday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th October 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Sunday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

A man connected with the number 11 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug
July 26th

You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. A man connected with the number 43 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Thursday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color pink. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Friday. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Saturday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. A white car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Saturday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th October 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You may want to keep a fellow clam close to your side on Wednesday.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

A man connected with the number 79 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Wednesday. It will impress a secret admirer. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Tuesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug
July 26th

A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

If you stayed in bed *all* week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Sunday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th October 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. You may want to keep a fellow clam close to your side on Saturday.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. A man connected with the number 77 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Meet up with a squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Wednesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug
July 26th

You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. If you stayed in bed *all* week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Avoid the number 93 if possible on Thursday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 20 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th October 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

If you wear too much make-up on Thursday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Sometimes it is good to try something new. Tuesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. On Thursday, the color green, the number 49 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug
July 26th

Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Invite a squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Go easy on the chili sauce this week.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th September 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Tuesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Hook up with an octopus on Saturday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Tell someone that they look great...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug
July 26th

Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. The color pink will be very important to you this week. Especially on Sunday, and when connected to the number 80, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Go easy on the chili sauce this weak.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

If you stayed in bed *all* week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st September 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Beware an advance from a limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug
July 26th

Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Wednesday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. The color blue will be very important to you this week. Especially on Tuesday, and when connected to the number 36, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Avoid the kung po chicken.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. The number 92 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing black. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Sunday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th September 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

If you stayed in bed *all* week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Tuesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Saturday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. You will bump into a Mussel on Sunday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Hook up with an octopus on Thursday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must *never* buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug
July 26th

You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you?

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Thursday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! A clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing purple. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th September 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must *never* buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. The number 73 will be a powerful omen for you this Tuesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and *then* go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Monday.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Should you wear white on Saturday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. If you make an appointment on Tuesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Friday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug
July 26th

Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

If you wear too much make-up on Wednesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Sunday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Monday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Friday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 31st August 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

If you wear too much make-up on Wednesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. A man connected with the number 15 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. If you see a barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Sunday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Get out and enjoy life on Wednesday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug
July 26th

This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of clams. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Try relaxing on Sunday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.