December 2nd - February 19th
A pretty young woman connected to the number 48 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. On Tuesday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Monday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.
The Slug
July 26th
It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must *never* buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Take extra special care on Wednesday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. A clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.
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