Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th April 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like John Travolta. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Don't leave your house on Thursday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Wednesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Charlie Brown, You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Friday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug
July 26th

You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Clint Eastwood, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th April 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Saturday.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. In a parallel universe you were born as Mr. Rogers. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color pink. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Sunday. Don't leave your house on Friday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Thursday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug
July 26th

Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. On Tuesday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 60 feet, but no more than a mile. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Saturday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Neil Armstrong, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th April 2010

The Barnacle

December 2nd - February 19th

This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. On Wednesday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail

February 20th - March 9th

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet

March 10th - May 1st

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Sunday.

The Clam

May 2nd - June 2nd

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. On Tuesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Hook up with an Octopus on Thursday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid

June 3rd - July 25th

Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 14 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Don't leave your house on Friday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug

July 26th

Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster

July 27th - August 19th

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Dick Van Dyke then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop

August 20th - October 1st

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Wednesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus

October 1st - October 29th

Should you wear yellow on Saturday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel

October 30th - December 1st

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th April 2010

The Barnacle

December 2nd - February 19th

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail

February 20th - March 9th

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet

March 10th - May 1st

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam

May 2nd - June 2nd

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid

June 3rd - July 25th

A man connected with the number 61 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Thursday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug

July 26th

The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.

The Oyster

July 27th - August 19th

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Thursday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop

August 20th - October 1st

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus

October 1st - October 29th

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 90, the color pink and someone who has a connection to Carrie Fisher will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing pink. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel

October 30th - December 1st

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.