Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th April 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like John Travolta. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Don't leave your house on Thursday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Wednesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Charlie Brown, You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Friday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug
July 26th

You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Clint Eastwood, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.