Sunday, April 4, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th April 2010

December 2nd - February 19th

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

February 20th - March 9th

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

March 10th - May 1st

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

May 2nd - June 2nd

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

June 3rd - July 25th

A man connected with the number 61 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Thursday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

July 26th

The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.

July 27th - August 19th

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Thursday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

August 20th - October 1st

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

October 1st - October 29th

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 90, the color pink and someone who has a connection to Carrie Fisher will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing pink. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

October 30th - December 1st

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

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