Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th May 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Tuesday.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Should you wear black on Thursday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug
July 26th

Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Saturday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Sunday this week. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.