December 2nd - February 19th
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Sunday.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Wednesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. On Monday, the color black, the number 51 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.
The Slug
July 26th
Hanging out with a Scallop on Monday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Harry Houdini will shower you with unusual gifts on Friday. This will only happen though if you are wearing white Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. On Thursday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Marilyn Monroe. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. When you and a Limpet get together on Thursday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.
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