Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th August 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

In a parallel universe you were born as Hank Aaron. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 82. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug
July 26th

You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color.  How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. On Friday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd August 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Friday.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 25. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Saturday who looks at all like Doris Day, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. A orange car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Tuesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism.  Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Saturday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug
July 26th

You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

A man connected with the number 53 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Monday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Bob Newhart. Does this matter? Only time will tell. The number 40 will be a powerful omen for you this Thursday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Norman Rockwell, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. In a parallel universe you were born as George Carlin. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Wednesday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th August 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 26 feet, but no more than a mile. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Magic Johnson, If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? In a parallel universe you were born as Magic Johnson. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. On Tuesday, the color black, the number 3 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug
July 26th

Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. On Sunday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Abraham Lincoln, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th August 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

If you make an appointment on Thursday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug
July 26th

It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Why will the color black be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Wednesday. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. On Saturday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

A pink car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Tuesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd August 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Thomas Jefferson, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 6 feet, but no more than a mile. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. A man connected with the number 1 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug
July 26th

You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Tuesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like C. S. Lewis will shower you with unusual gifts on Saturday. This will only happen though if you are wearing green You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Sunday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.