Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd August 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Friday.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 25. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Saturday who looks at all like Doris Day, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. A orange car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Tuesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism.  Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Saturday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug
July 26th

You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

A man connected with the number 53 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Monday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Bob Newhart. Does this matter? Only time will tell. The number 40 will be a powerful omen for you this Thursday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Norman Rockwell, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. In a parallel universe you were born as George Carlin. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Wednesday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.