Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th August 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

In a parallel universe you were born as Hank Aaron. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 82. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug
July 26th

You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color.  How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. On Friday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.