Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd August 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Thomas Jefferson, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 6 feet, but no more than a mile. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. A man connected with the number 1 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug
July 26th

You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Tuesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like C. S. Lewis will shower you with unusual gifts on Saturday. This will only happen though if you are wearing green You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Sunday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.