Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th August 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

If you make an appointment on Thursday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug
July 26th

It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Why will the color black be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Wednesday. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. On Saturday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

A pink car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Tuesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.