Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th September 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

If you make an appointment on Friday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Ronald Regan, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves.  Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like James Dean. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. On Wednesday night you will dream of being Benny Goodman. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug
July 26th

Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Michael J. Jordan driving a pink car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. On Monday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.