Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th September 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Monday.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Thursday night get-together.

The Slug
July 26th

A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 78, the color pink and someone who has a connection to Charles Yeager will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color.  A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

In a parallel universe you were born as Sean Connery. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Don't leave your house on Wednesday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.