Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th September 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. If you see anybody this week who looks like Newt Gingrich, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist.  A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. A pretty young woman connected to the number 75 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Wednesday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Avoid the number 80 if possible on Saturday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though, that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Friday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. You are not Thomas Jefferson, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Wednesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Wednesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug
July 26th

Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. On Friday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.