Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th September 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Clint Eastwood. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Thursday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Monday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

The number 81 will be a powerful omen for you this Sunday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. On Wednesday night you will dream of being Newt Gingrich. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug
July 26th

Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. On Saturday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.