Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th February 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Dan Aykroyd and Tiger Woods.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 78 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Sunday.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Thursday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. You are not Aristotle, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Spider Man, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. On Tuesday, the color black, the number 36 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug
July 26th

The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Why will the color white be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Tuesday. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Wednesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. When you and a Limpet get together on Wednesday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual.  Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.