Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th February 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Mother Teresa and Tiger Woods.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Ben Franklin, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Tuesday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Sunday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug
July 26th

Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Tuesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Saturday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.